tones and tonnes of voices

It starts to pound heavily – referring to my heart , ears at times go hot , my brain gets into some kind of a block and all of the words I want to say vanish in thin air . This is exactly what and how it happens to me when someone raises their voice or speak in a tone which are many decibels above normalcy .

At the hindsight I visualize many a times standing up to the person shouting back matching their voices , sometimes raising it above them and feel very victorious after the whole thing has transpired. As they say visualization has great power given you work towards that . Going back to my mode of introspection , I realized that for me raising voices creates hurt , anger and sadness and I would not want to be that medium which causes the same to others.

Have I gained much , yes and no , over the years , I have learnt to ignore it though hundred percent at the moment its like someone kicking your womb . I also know that I have built up my own way of dealing and confronting it by either shutting down for sometime or replaying the scene a thousand times that it becomes inconsequential after sometime.

I am not going to lie here as my goal for these blogs are , so I accept that the fear is always there that now a conversation is going to turn ugly and for the coming days will disturb the head. I further accept that by standing up to it and identifying moments of vulnerability , I have felt a stronger version of me emerging.

A secret I will share is when someone shouts , they tend to show authority over you , dismiss the authority , in another sense , never make them realize that they have gained that authority on you, you will soon realize the futility of the process and things calm down .

Very contrary to many others who say that Women should stand up and fight , mighty well you do if you can – no one should stop you from doing what you can. My bit is where standing up seems a task overtly, do it in ways which will instill or better maintain your respect for you!

HMMM..Where do I START?

This is exactly how my brain functions most of the times, maybe all the times, a long pause before I can conceive anything . I have always been in awe of people who are able to think on the feet , come with great ideas on the go and talk endlessly as the topic was their birth right . Have any of you felt that way? If you did a big Hi Fi from me for sure .

Honestly I have tried to blame on this on many factors , a conservative childhood , a disciplined upbringing , only answer when I ask kind of education system etc , but deep down within me I knew that all of these can be overcome . In every meeting I attend to every family conversation to a first time networking( this one also has a long explanation)to a simple chai time break , it takes effort from me to participate .

At first I tried agreeing to most of the things others said , sometime later , would add one or two words like “Is it ?” , ” Oh ya” , ” completely get it” , few years passed and I made a rule of one sentence per conversation or one question per meeting , some days later , just stopped participating in most of it with just a head nod . Wasn’t helping clearly as I would always walk out with a feeling of inferiority. While I have made peace with the fact that I like being this way and can contribute in many other ways , the feeling comes up time and again . I mentally finish every conversation and replay it my mind and say , Thank God I atleast nodded today or I did agree to doing the work on the suggestion given

Now why am I writing all this , one is to just get it out of me and also to say that feeling worthy is a struggle that I do face but how many of us accept it outside of us .The act of acceptance could be through any medium , it would then slowly move towards an agreement with oneself which in turn helps you love you – the seek for validation from outside lessens.

In each of my post , my aim is to bring out facts and feels that are deep inside me and connect with many of you who may have felt it or would know how to embrace it. Tell me your stories , as I said , I may just nod my head or give a smile but fr sure be there and read each of it.